Image via flickr
With the impending Snowpocalypse/Snowmageddon/Snowprah/Snowcial Distortion, I wanted to make sure your asses were covered by compiling a few quick tips that you will need in the event of getting stuck in your house. YOU'RE WELCOME.
1. I recommend a concubine. If one is unavailable, you can rely on your significant other. If that is unavailable, I've found that a firm pillow will suffice for urgent sexual needs.
2. Entertainment. A plethora of reading material should be accessible. For my Snownami reading materials, I have selected two favorites: vintage pin-up gay boy porn, and my chicken catalog (pictured).
3. You're gonna need to eat. The best thing you can do is order pizza, laugh as the delivery boy falls on his face trying to get up your front stoop, and then undertip him.
(See #2: Entertainment.)
4. I don't recommend booze, which actually draws blood away from the surface of your skin. Instead, you should opt for stimulants + vigorous activity. If cocaine is unavailable, snort six of those "5 hour Energy" bottles and then jog in place until your nipples begin to chafe. Rosy cheeks and burning nipples, toasty as a sammich.
Good luck. And now shut up about the goddamn snow already, wussies. This is the fucking Midwest.
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