Thursday, February 6, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Hot bitches don’t make “resolutions.” Hot bitches SELF-COMMAND.
Eat more meals in the bathtub. A tub sandwich is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Plus the mayo drippings condition my skin. Hashtag #tubsandwich copyright Melanie LaForce 2014.
Avoid live music. It’s just the worst. I am always bored after 2 songs. If it’s a band that was completely formative to my life and I’m totally in love with, like Violent Femmes or the Beastie Boys, they might hold my attention for up to 20 minutes. If I’m also eating cheese fries.
Cultivate a sexier leisure wardrobe. My cut-off fleece snowman pants will no longer get me laid. I want sexy clothes that are French words like NEGLIGEE and POUTINE.
Increase portfolio of humiliative takedowns. Nothing boosts my self-esteem like being a bully. PWN more people. (Can I still pwn? Is pwning still something?) I will post countless inflammatory comments on YouTube, heckle sweating amateurs at open mics, and slowly chip away at my subordinates’ feelings of accomplishment. I will make barely audible passive-aggressive comments about the fashion choices of passersby. I WILL JUDGE YOU FOR READING NICHOLAS SPARKS ON THE TRAIN.
Figure out what this whole Macklemore thing is. Is it an edible Northern Pacific fish? A Transformer?
Create my own line of fortune cookie fortunes. Fortunes that don’t make me throw my cookie across the room. Life guidelines do not equal fortunes, dumbasses. My last fortune told me I had a beautiful smile. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I mean, accurate, sure, but functionally useless.
Stop reading internet bullshit. I will stop reading articles titled “How to be nice to your fat albino Eskimo friend” or “Why my abortion saved my dog’s life.” I will stop taking inane quizzes that identify which frozen vegetable/Pixar character/extinct Pleistocene hominid I am because they are grossly inaccurate and non-scientific. Dear Buzzfeed - I am NOT Mulan, I am Snow fucking White, you bastards.
Stop making lists. No. Can’t. Will never stop.
Monday, December 23, 2013
*Extremely non-scientific assessment.
Events and Activities to AVOID until April, at least:
1). Watching Walking Dead. You’ve got the undead, betrayal, beheadings, and mosquitos. And how the hell are Maggie and Glen not getting repeated urinary tract infections from their dirty prison sex? And why hasn’t Daryl Dixon been given more air time?? It is all SO STRESSFUL. Thank god for mid-season break. Watch reruns this summer instead, when you can better cope with the Appalachian-biter nightmares.
2). Having unprotected sex. In case you weren’t freaking out enough, go ahead and add a pregnancy or STD scare. I mean WHY NOT?
3). Taking public transportation at rush hour. Winter transit on the train is a smorgasbord for your panic disorder. Not only are you lumped together, but everyone is twice as large, doubling their Midwestern girth with North Face and cheap faux fur. You’ll be hallucinatory sweaty, because despite the fact that everyone is layered in fowl by-products, the train heat is set to 82 degrees. At best, you’ll get unintentionally dry-humped by an elderly Polish woman wearing dirty mittens. Just wait til after the rush. Working late: worth it.
4). Donating blood. I know, I’m a jerk. But don’t do it, because I know you. You will get nervous, you will watch the needle entering your frightened vein...and then you will faint. And I heard they don’t even give cookies to fainters. Double up your donations when your head is right again.
5). Meeting new people. Sorry...(and I know you know this) but you kind of suck right now. You’re a downer at parties, because you can only obsessively think about how you might pass out if you can’t flee to hide in a bathtub in the next 20 seconds. You’re no fun really anywhere, because all you want to do is stay home and eat smoked gouda and watch Bob’s Burgers where it’s safe. (On a good night. On a bad night you catch yourself wondering if any of your parents’ friends have a holdover bomb shelter could just “hangout in” for a couple months.) There will be time for social excitement, and that time is called July.
6). Sexting. It just doesn’t work right now. Sample:
Attractive person: Hey baby heeeey.
You: I am 95% sure I’m currently having a brain aneurysm. (pause.) ...I mean, what’s up?
The hotties of the world don’t need to hear your uncontrolled, irrational death fantasies. It’s a bit of a boner-killer, I hear.
7). Trying anything remotely new, whatsoever. Now is not the time to attempt those high-waisted jeans all the kids are wearing because WHAT IF THE CIRCULATION ACROSS YOUR INTESTINE GETS CUT OFF? Maybe also don’t have sushi at the new joint on the block because CLEARLY THEIR HEALTH CODE ADHERENCE COULD NOT YET HAVE BEEN PROPERLY VETTED.
Just go ahead and give up. Crawl into that dusty corner of your closet and hunker down. We’ll meet for sushi ‘bout June.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
We have reached the point of internet saturation. Posts need to be wittier, faster, funnier, NOW. I have little patience left for any posts that do not immediately hump my brain into a bliss tornado.
In my world, this is what will get you blocked, unfollowed, or unfriended, and what will get you favorited, liked, or +1'd. It's a short list. Exercise caution out there and stop wasting my precious time.
Post and get booted:
"Family Guy" catchphrases
Your 5th self-portrait this week
Non-cynical "50 Shades of Grey" tweets
Dark & blurry photos of your band sucking
Love notes to Ryan Gosling (hello, 2010)
Stories about that crazy thing your offspring said during Yo Gabba Gabba
Sarah Palin-related posts that do not include both a bikini and semi-automatic rifle
Retweets or "likes" purely for some unattractive child with cancer
Post and win my adoration:
Justin Bieber retweets
Any use of the phase "mustache ride"
Snub-nosed dogs in Star Wars/Disney Princess-themed costumes
Mugshots (Meth arrests only)
Photoshopped Game of Thrones gay porn featuring a masturbating Tyrion
Tabloid photos of drunk Olympians
Also, because I’ve recently learned that I medically have the stomach capacity of an adolescent polar bear, keep those pictures of your food COMING. Mmmmmm.
Friday, October 26, 2012
My Fellow Nerds: Don’t Freak out about that whole “High School Popularity = Greater Success in Later Life” Study.
For those of you unaware, a recent University of Chicago study found (and is being reported that) “Popular” kids in high school tend to make more money later in life. What we have here is a classic case of loose operational definition. In a traditional sense, the dictionary definition of “popular” is essentially: having many friends, being well-liked. Right? This is how the U of C researchers defined popularity for their study. The finding showed that kids who had higher numbers of cohort peers rating them as a friend was associated with making more money in adulthood. But is that really a “popularity” effect?
Let’s derive this a little. One needs only to see Sixteen Candles or Gossip Girl to know that the connotation of “popular” has far more to do with elitism and status than actual friendship. The kids in high school that I considered most “popular” were the homecoming queens and quarterbacks and that one kid who could miraculously fit two fists in his mouth. These kids were social gold. I may have wanted the high school aristocracy to be my friends - but would not have actually called most of them friends. And it would be just as unlikely (if not more so) that they considered me a friend. We may admire and adore the Regina Georges and Jeff Spicolis of the world- but they are rarely friends to those of us in the proletariat rabble. Who did I call a friend? My fellow geek losers. The kids in my Honors English class and my BFF on the yearbook staff. Those were my true homies. I consider myself to be fairly successful, and I DID have a lot of friends. I was not, however, a “popular” kid.
The researchers in this study correctly (in my opinion) identify a strong social network (i.e. having lots of friends) as translating to having greater social capital, and that’s a fair assessment. THAT’s the true finding of this generally well-conducted body of work. Early life social capital has long-been associated later success. But to equate having lots of friendships with “popularity” is flawed because of the semantic psychology behind that concept. Popular media and many readers of the research have and will continue to interpret this finding in the same way I initially did before reading the study: That the cheerleader with the Mercedes and the dope parties is gonna continue to kick your ass well into adulthood. And there’s just no evidence of that.
The true moral of the study? Without getting into the whole correlation does not equal causation argument, I think it’s safe to say that you should go ahead and be nice. Make legitimate friends. Build strong social networks by not being a douche. Have pizza parties. Couple skate. Don’t sweat the fact that you may get more action from a microscope than a football. Gain true social capital from your sincere friendships, and not from status. It may be worth it later in life.
Original study can be found here.
Image via Amazon.