Mixtape: Pretend Sun

If I can't be there to sit on your lap and physically warm your cockles with my inappropriateness, please enjoy this thawing mix of bubblegum, electropop, and anthems.
AND PUT YOUR SCARF ON.

Listen HERE.


Image via NYDaily News

Breakfast with Santa: The Playlist

Heavy on the metal, gangsta rap and Muppets. A smattering of Porky Pig and Star Wars. Enjoy!

Listen HERE.

2nd Annual Duhmericana Holiday Gift Guide!

I have a huge boner for Christmas and everything secular, commercial and generally bastardizing of the true meaning. Everyone and their brother puts out a Holiday Gift Guide and I LOVE TO READ THEM ALLLLLL. Hopefully you enjoy reading them as well, because now you have to read mine too. Here are my picks. For the neurotic narcissist in YOUR life!

I've been begging Husband to let me have chickens since 2009. They will nestle snugly in this affordable $100,000 chicken coop.

PUNK ROCK! Plus cats. This has several of my besties written all over it. (Find via TeenAngster.)

Clearly this backpack is intended for unattractive children, but who wouldn't relish being dry-humped by a FUCKING MASTER JEDI?

I'm sick of bitches wearing tiaras whenever they feel like they are special. YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL. THE QUEEN MOTHER WAS SPECIAL. This hairpin is better. Subtle, classy. For bachelorettes and holiday parties alike. Come on.

A vintage hairdryer that looks like a gun? Sure.

A UK Company offers not one but SIX DIFFERENT ZOMBIE ADVENTURE EXPERIENCES. The gift for those who enjoy shitting their pants WHILE getting a workout. Walking Dead's Darryl not included.

Because I have ruined many pajamas by trying to balance my wine glass between my breasts while watching Animal Planet. The wine sippy cup.

I FUCKING LOVE BLANKETS. These are Civil War jobbies from Woolrich. Apparently Confederate chic is a thing now.

I'm significantly disappointed that no one in my life has purchased jellyfish pets for me yet. Don't ruin another year, guys.

NO ONE can rock 1850s Victorian-Sexy like a LaForce, bitches.

Gah, this ring. Feminine. Bad Ass. Even affordable.

I would sip lukewarm fish chowder from this cup in my Swedish lake house while a rippling blonde fisherman in a cable knit sweater massages my buttocks. Find via evencleveland.

A fully mature North American river otter. I do not know where you can purchase one.

The Science and Fruits of Ugly-Sexy

You know that guy. He may be a celebrity, or likely a former professor, or maybe even your mailman. He has over-pronounced, borderline neanderthal features. Big crooked eyes, a forceful nose, and a jawline that could impale a small child.

You think "Dude got hit with an ugly stick...but damn. I WOULD SO HIT THAT."

The beautiful phenomenon of ugly-sexy.

The science is simple: It's all in the evolutionary biology cues. Research shows that straight women* generally prefer (emphasis on the word generally) men with a specific combination of physical traits that set off a chemical cues in our brain and ladyparts. These cues tell us that he will make a good mate. Soft, gentle features signal someone who will be nurturing and a good provider. We like that. Strong, chiseled features (over-emphasized in Ugly-Sexy) signal that this man has enough testosterone to kill a horse. He will impregnate us and we will like it, dammit. Thus, generally speaking, our ancestral roots lead us to feel that the man at the pinnacle of general physical attractiveness will possess both types of these facial traits. Essentially, THIS.

So that's the general context. However, there's the specific context wherein we just need to get our rocks off. Fuck that nurturing bullshit, just give me genitals. THIS is where the Ugly-Sexy man will serve as a natural go-to. Remember, he's got the facial features that are pounding us with his testosterone cues. Yes, yes. He will more than suffice.

So this week, let's all give thanks for the Ugly-Sexies. God bless their horse necks and manatee brows. To get your blood flowing a little more, please enjoy the below ugly hotness.

*I have not seen the research on how Ugly-Sexy plays out in same-sex couples, but I'm gonna hanker a guess that anyone with even moderately submissive tendencies gets fluttery when approached by a hottie with a massive jawline and alien eyes.

Unfollow or Favorite?

We have reached the point of internet saturation. Posts need to be wittier, faster, funnier, NOW. I have little patience left for any posts that do not immediately hump my brain into a bliss tornado.

In my world, this is what will get you blocked, unfollowed, or unfriended, and what will get you favorited, liked, or +1'd. It's a short list. Exercise caution out there and stop wasting my precious time.

Post and get booted:
"Family Guy" catchphrases
Your 5th self-portrait this week
Non-cynical "50 Shades of Grey" tweets
Dark & blurry photos of your band sucking
Love notes to Ryan Gosling (hello, 2010)
Stories about that crazy thing your offspring said during Yo Gabba Gabba
Sarah Palin-related posts that do not include both a bikini and semi-automatic rifle
Retweets or "likes" purely for some unattractive child with cancer

Post and win my adoration:
Justin Bieber retweets
Any use of the phase "mustache ride"
Snub-nosed dogs in Star Wars/Disney Princess-themed costumes
Mugshots (Meth arrests only)
Photoshopped Game of Thrones gay porn featuring a masturbating Tyrion
Mormon jokes
Tabloid photos of drunk Olympians

Also, because I’ve recently learned that I medically have the stomach capacity of an adolescent polar bear, keep those pictures of your food COMING. Mmmmmm.

My Fellow Nerds: Don’t Freak out about that whole “High School Popularity = Greater Success in Later Life” Study.

For those of you unaware, a recent University of Chicago study found (and is being reported that) “Popular” kids in high school tend to make more money later in life. What we have here is a classic case of loose operational definition. In a traditional sense, the dictionary definition of “popular” is essentially: having many friends, being well-liked. Right? This is how the U of C researchers defined popularity for their study. The finding showed that kids who had higher numbers of cohort peers rating them as a friend was associated with making more money in adulthood. But is that really a “popularity” effect?

Let’s derive this a little. One needs only to see Sixteen Candles or Gossip Girl to know that the connotation of “popular” has far more to do with elitism and status than actual friendship. The kids in high school that I considered most “popular” were the homecoming queens and quarterbacks and that one kid who could miraculously fit two fists in his mouth. These kids were social gold. I may have wanted the high school aristocracy to be my friends - but would not have actually called most of them friends. And it would be just as unlikely (if not more so) that they considered me a friend. We may admire and adore the Regina Georges and Jeff Spicolis of the world- but they are rarely friends to those of us in the proletariat rabble. Who did I call a friend? My fellow geek losers. The kids in my Honors English class and my BFF on the yearbook staff. Those were my true homies. I consider myself to be fairly successful, and I DID have a lot of friends. I was not, however, a “popular” kid.

The researchers in this study correctly (in my opinion) identify a strong social network (i.e. having lots of friends) as translating to having greater social capital, and that’s a fair assessment. THAT’s the true finding of this generally well-conducted body of work. Early life social capital has long-been associated later success. But to equate having lots of friendships with “popularity” is flawed because of the semantic psychology behind that concept. Popular media and many readers of the research have and will continue to interpret this finding in the same way I initially did before reading the study: That the cheerleader with the Mercedes and the dope parties is gonna continue to kick your ass well into adulthood. And there’s just no evidence of that.

The true moral of the study? Without getting into the whole correlation does not equal causation argument, I think it’s safe to say that you should go ahead and be nice. Make legitimate friends. Build strong social networks by not being a douche. Have pizza parties. Couple skate. Don’t sweat the fact that you may get more action from a microscope than a football. Gain true social capital from your sincere friendships, and not from status. It may be worth it later in life.

Original study can be found here.
Image via Amazon.

Today's Judgmental Stereotypes: Girls in Hats!

Girls in Baseball Caps: De-virginized at 15 by a meathead wide receiver in the back of a mini-van. Enjoys SkinnyGirl cocktails. Has a Boxer but secretly wants a Yorkie.

Girls in Cowboy Hats: Says she likes Conway Twitty, thinks Conway Twitty is that slightly-bearded guy on "The Voice." Chokes down whiskey but vomits in the sink. Calls her apartment "the homestead."

Girls in Floppy Hats: Quotes Annie Hall. Successfully pulls off riding pants. Listens to Tracy Chapman and Adele. Carefully organizes a diet of 400 calories per day.

Girls in Hats with Animal Ears: Belongs to angry knitting mob. Cartilage piercing (left ear). Pretended to experiment with lesbianism at Lilith Fair.

Girls in Visors: Buys Luna bars in bulk at Costco. Ingests a minimum of 15 vitamins per day. Covers her frequently cold arms in one of several dozen long-sleeved 5K Run t-shirts.

Image via