Screw you, cupcakes. It's muffin time.

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Since Husband is by far the superior cook in the house (Actually I place third- Husband, then the deaf dog, then me), I took up baking. Also domesticity is trendy, and I am a whore for the trends.

Despite having many friends who excel at baking cupcakes and having tattoos of cupcakes, cupcakes piss me off. Mostly because everyone seems to go apeshit when presented with them. Cupcakes are so 2008.

So muffins. I make muffins. Muffins are easy and make me popular at staff meetings. They can be sweet or savory. Not to mention the fun use of "muffin" as a sexual innuendo, and inadvertently prompting many "That's what she said" moments. Mark Bittman just did a great piece on muffins for the New York Times. I think he got the idea from me.

I make good ones. When a recipe calls for milk, I generally use half and half. I always add another 1/5 or so of butter suggested. Fat globules make shit good.

Muffins are always best the first day, so just eat all 12 and wash those puppies down with some Boone's Farm Coconut Wine. Guaranteed amazing day. There's a sweet and a savory recipe here for you to choose from.

You make these muffins now.

PECAN PIE MUFFINS- easiest thang ever. Super rich and tasty. Only 5 ingredients.
(Makes 8-9 muffins)

Ingredients:
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup chopped pecans
12 tablespoons of butter (yes, this makes it awesome), softened
2 eggs, beaten

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease muffin pan (I use a canola oil cooking spray).

In a medium bowl, stir together brown sugar, flour, and pecans. In a separate bowl, beat eggs and butter together until smooth. Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients until just combined. Spoon into muffin tin. (Tin should be about 2/3 full.)
Bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes. 20 minutes should do it- stick a toothpick in one, if it comes out clean, you're good. Cool muffins on a rack when done.

Adapted from allrecipes


CHEDDAR CORNMEAL MUFFINS- A carnivore could did these up with bacon. Just reduce the salt.
Makes 12 muffins

Ingredients:
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup coarse cornmeal
1/2 cup fine cornmeal
1 tbsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 to 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (I like to use the larger amount- these won't be spicy anyway, just have a kick)
1 cup buttermilk OR 1 cup half n half with 1 tbsp white vinegar (allow to sit 5 minutes)
8 tbsp butter, melted, cooled slightly
1 large egg
1 1/4 cup grated cheddar
1/8 cup grated Parmesan
Optional- 5 or 6 splurts of hot sauce (I like Valentina)

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Grease (canola cooking spray) a muffin pan. Combine the first 7 ingredients into a large bowl. In a second bowl, whisk buttermilk, butter, and egg. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and stir until just combined. Mix in cheese.

Fill muffin tins 2/3-3/4 full, equally. Bake about 16 minutes, until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pan or on a rack.

Adapted from epicurious.