Fashion! Sorority Living!

This may very well be the first time I've publicly admitted in 10 years that I was, in fact, in a sorority in college. And not just any sorority. The SLUTTY sorority.

Why did I join a sorority? To meet boys and go to parties. Guess what? It worked. I met lots of DoucheBs with backwards baseball caps and spent 4 years with the blood alcohol level of a drunk horse. (Note: I did not scientifically test this. The horse died.)

Despite my disdain for Greek organizations as an adult, it wasn't all bad. I got to spend all my pocket money on sweatshirts with plaid Greek letters and jewelry that someone stabbed into my skin at a ritual. I even learned a secret handshake. Oh, and yeah. I met my husband. He washed dishes at the sorority house. It was a good gig for the fellas.

Being in a sorority in the late 90s required serious fashion strategy. So you don't fuck up and wear something stupid, I have compiled the most important points below.



1. You must own a sexy Catholic school girl outfit for the once-quarterly Catholic School Girl parties.

2. Iron your jeans. With starch. No one wants to see those wrinkles around the groin area that we affectionately referred to as "dickage." Yeah, I don't know. Apparently I hadn't seen a lot of penises at age 19.

3. Wear makeup at all times, especially at the gym and in your sleep.

4. Bras will only hinder you and your quest for dickage. I mean, penis.

5. Low cut jeans, having recently come into style, will perfectly accentuate your killer lower back tattoo. (You don't have a lower back tattoo? Go join the business fraternity.)

6. Don't wear your high school prom dress to formal. DON'T.WEAR.YOUR.PROM.DRESS.TO.FORMAL.

7. Sparkly dragonflies and butterflies are fashion gold.

8. Spend an hour each night tweezing your eyebrows so that they resemble fishing line.

9. You CAN wear an over-sized t-shirt... but only if it has a boy's fraternity letters.

10. You can skip lipstick, as your mouth will soon be stained red with grain-alcohol-laced Hairy Buffalo served from a dirty bathtub.

11. Tits.

You are good to go. Go forth, young lass. I will pray that a boy with straight teeth holds your legs during a keg stand.

Note: I recommend zooming in on the first photo so you can learn how to adequately mimic my "drunk-girl-coming-out-of-the-porta-potty" expression. Critical.