Breakfast with Santa: The Playlist

Heavy on the metal, gangsta rap and Muppets. A smattering of Porky Pig and Star Wars. Enjoy!

Listen HERE.

Unfollow or Favorite?

We have reached the point of internet saturation. Posts need to be wittier, faster, funnier, NOW. I have little patience left for any posts that do not immediately hump my brain into a bliss tornado.

In my world, this is what will get you blocked, unfollowed, or unfriended, and what will get you favorited, liked, or +1'd. It's a short list. Exercise caution out there and stop wasting my precious time.

Post and get booted:
"Family Guy" catchphrases
Your 5th self-portrait this week
Non-cynical "50 Shades of Grey" tweets
Dark & blurry photos of your band sucking
Love notes to Ryan Gosling (hello, 2010)
Stories about that crazy thing your offspring said during Yo Gabba Gabba
Sarah Palin-related posts that do not include both a bikini and semi-automatic rifle
Retweets or "likes" purely for some unattractive child with cancer

Post and win my adoration:
Justin Bieber retweets
Any use of the phase "mustache ride"
Snub-nosed dogs in Star Wars/Disney Princess-themed costumes
Mugshots (Meth arrests only)
Photoshopped Game of Thrones gay porn featuring a masturbating Tyrion
Mormon jokes
Tabloid photos of drunk Olympians

Also, because I’ve recently learned that I medically have the stomach capacity of an adolescent polar bear, keep those pictures of your food COMING. Mmmmmm.

My Fellow Nerds: Don’t Freak out about that whole “High School Popularity = Greater Success in Later Life” Study.

For those of you unaware, a recent University of Chicago study found (and is being reported that) “Popular” kids in high school tend to make more money later in life. What we have here is a classic case of loose operational definition. In a traditional sense, the dictionary definition of “popular” is essentially: having many friends, being well-liked. Right? This is how the U of C researchers defined popularity for their study. The finding showed that kids who had higher numbers of cohort peers rating them as a friend was associated with making more money in adulthood. But is that really a “popularity” effect?

Let’s derive this a little. One needs only to see Sixteen Candles or Gossip Girl to know that the connotation of “popular” has far more to do with elitism and status than actual friendship. The kids in high school that I considered most “popular” were the homecoming queens and quarterbacks and that one kid who could miraculously fit two fists in his mouth. These kids were social gold. I may have wanted the high school aristocracy to be my friends - but would not have actually called most of them friends. And it would be just as unlikely (if not more so) that they considered me a friend. We may admire and adore the Regina Georges and Jeff Spicolis of the world- but they are rarely friends to those of us in the proletariat rabble. Who did I call a friend? My fellow geek losers. The kids in my Honors English class and my BFF on the yearbook staff. Those were my true homies. I consider myself to be fairly successful, and I DID have a lot of friends. I was not, however, a “popular” kid.

The researchers in this study correctly (in my opinion) identify a strong social network (i.e. having lots of friends) as translating to having greater social capital, and that’s a fair assessment. THAT’s the true finding of this generally well-conducted body of work. Early life social capital has long-been associated later success. But to equate having lots of friendships with “popularity” is flawed because of the semantic psychology behind that concept. Popular media and many readers of the research have and will continue to interpret this finding in the same way I initially did before reading the study: That the cheerleader with the Mercedes and the dope parties is gonna continue to kick your ass well into adulthood. And there’s just no evidence of that.

The true moral of the study? Without getting into the whole correlation does not equal causation argument, I think it’s safe to say that you should go ahead and be nice. Make legitimate friends. Build strong social networks by not being a douche. Have pizza parties. Couple skate. Don’t sweat the fact that you may get more action from a microscope than a football. Gain true social capital from your sincere friendships, and not from status. It may be worth it later in life.

Original study can be found here.
Image via Amazon.

Today's Judgmental Stereotypes: Girls in Hats!

Girls in Baseball Caps: De-virginized at 15 by a meathead wide receiver in the back of a mini-van. Enjoys SkinnyGirl cocktails. Has a Boxer but secretly wants a Yorkie.

Girls in Cowboy Hats: Says she likes Conway Twitty, thinks Conway Twitty is that slightly-bearded guy on "The Voice." Chokes down whiskey but vomits in the sink. Calls her apartment "the homestead."

Girls in Floppy Hats: Quotes Annie Hall. Successfully pulls off riding pants. Listens to Tracy Chapman and Adele. Carefully organizes a diet of 400 calories per day.

Girls in Hats with Animal Ears: Belongs to angry knitting mob. Cartilage piercing (left ear). Pretended to experiment with lesbianism at Lilith Fair.

Girls in Visors: Buys Luna bars in bulk at Costco. Ingests a minimum of 15 vitamins per day. Covers her frequently cold arms in one of several dozen long-sleeved 5K Run t-shirts.

Image via

What I would play on the jukebox while hanging out ironically at Chuck E Cheese with Rayanne from "My So-Called Life"

Listen to the playlist here.

5 Ideas for Animal TV Shows that Would Obviously Be Amazing

Top and Bottom A romantic comedy centered around two gay male Afghan Hounds, exploring their sexuality, fighting over wallpaper patterns, and trying to run a successful men’s salon in Chelsea.

Hamster Hotel Loosely based on Meerkat Manor (SHUT UP NOTHING IS ORIGINAL THESE DAYS), the show features 30 minutes of hamsters running up and down stairs to Benny Hill music. Every Wednesday at 8.

Private Dalmatian This is a female cop show about a purebred (or IS she?) Dalmatian with a night job as an exotic dancer. Her absentee father to be played by NFL wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson.

Semi-Aquatic Shield Features a painted domestic turtle with generalized anxiety disorder and subsequent sedative addiction, transplanted by a twist of fate to an espionage cover-up in D.C.

Cavy Summer Camp In a remote Vermont forest, a shy, adolescent guinea pig foregoes Dungeons & Dragons to attend summer camp for the first time. He expects basket-weaving, foraging, and meeting female guinea pigs in heat. When the dead begin to rise and the cavy squeals are heard throughout the night, summer camp becomes bummer camp.

Image via

State Mottos by Joe Jarvis

My friend Joe Jarvis makes awesome, funny cartoons. His take on state mottos: Spot on. (You may also enjoy his map of Chicago.)

Chicago Cocktail Names:The Neighborhood Edition.

(That guy from the Whistler who's now at that other place.)

Some obvious stereotypes for your weekend prep. Dear booze jockeys: Come up with a killer recipe, serve it up to me- and win a Duhmericana award! (read: A sloppy kiss and illegible hand-written certificate.)

Pilsen Cocktails
Live Poultry
Tulip Pants
Fire Hydrant Flood
Anti-Establishment Tattoo

Lincoln Park Cocktails
Fancy Cookie
Rooftop Sex
Sailboat Envy
Embellished Jeans

Logan Square Cocktails
Ironic Cowboy Hat
1980s Schwinn Cruiser
Poorly Drawn Graffiti
I-can-drink-more-Malort-than-you-can

Wrigleyville Cocktails
Bro Sauce
Bloody Cubs Jersey
Mediocre Pizza
Sports Shouting

Image via The Whistler PS. I also wrote about sexting over on Thought Catalog.

Fall Fashion Trends! (That I can’t pull off to save my life.)

(Jerks.)

Like many self-involved 30-somethings, I am an avid follower of fashion, design, and style. Simply, I heart pretty things. I follow New York Times Fashion on the twitters, and even subscribe to Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue, and other magazines that instill a desire to smoke cigarettes and wear fitted linen. There’s just one problem.

I exist in the body type of a congenitally deformed hobbit.

Meaning: Breast-heavy and slightly duck-footed. Occasional arthritic limp. Topping out at 4 foot 11 and half. As a result, I struggle with the multitude of “looks,” and thus must resort my staples of jeans and t-shirts with the appendages cut off. I’ll continue to glance wistfully at the lithe models in couture, as in reality- I overjoy with my second-hand finds of men’s flannel pants. Here is what I won’t be wearing this season:

1. Capes. I tried on a cape jacket at Nordstrom’s. A stranger asked me if I needed a meal.

2. Equestrian wear (e.g. jodphurs and riding boots). The look on me is “Uptown Pre-School Elite.”

3. Boxy knit tops. With any cropped top, I generally resemble an apple in a sandwich bag.

4. Vests. Think the annoying middle daughter in “Full House.”

5. Orange lipstick. I tried this the last time it came around and looked like I had a bad case of MRSA.

Feel free to pass along any other trends I will not be able to wear. Shrug. I like to look anyway.

Image via Dappled Grey

To all the boys I ever threw crazy at: I'm sorry.

I’m sorry I was passive-aggressive at your grandmother’s funeral.

I shouldn’t have told my friends about your psoriasis in such great detail.

I’m sorry that I freaked out and assumed that you are now into banging older chicks after I saw you having lunch with who I later learned was your mother.

I should have never pretended to love Rush. (....Rush sucks.)

I’m sorry I tweeted about your penis size.

I realize now that you probably didn’t need that Break-Up Songs mix CD I made you.

Remember when I told you I had a nightmare that you died at Pitchfork? A lie. I just wanted an excuse to text you.

I’m sorry that when I met your new girlfriend, I told her that she has a front butt.

I’m sorry that your new girlfriend has a front butt.


Image via Almost Genius. And hey, did you see that I wrote about "Moist" over at Slacktory?

What does Chicago smell like?

Remember in Seinfeld when Kramer wanted to bottle his Beach perfume? Scent is strongly tied to emotion and memory. I was thinking about what I would put into a bottled Chicago scent. Which smells hit you each day during your commute? Which remind you of first dates and first steps and that weird guy that flirts with you at the dog park?

If I could bottle Chicago, I would mix up this blend:

A hoppy base of local beer. Daisycutter. Gumballhead.
Elements of jibarito, pierogies, sport peppers, and Blommer's chocolate.
A bit of that electric burning odor from the Red line.
Some rotting-Lake-Michigan-fish scent.
Whatever "music snobbery" smells like.
Top notes of alley pee.

What would you include?

(Photo via)

Mixtape: Cicadas and Kiddie Pools

It's mid-summer! I've been craving upbeat music like Popsicles this week so I compiled a lil playlist. Just anthem-y pop and danceable rap. I like to listen to music like this while wearing an age-inappropriate string bikini and licking my lips at the Mexican teenagers in the alley.

Happy summer, my angels!

STREAM CICADAS AND KIDDIE POOLS MIXTAPE HERE!

Awkward Pin-Ups

Absolutely adore these, pilfered at random from These Americans. Love you, girlfriend.


Your 1950s best friend.

Fake yawn, dirty soles.

Armpit hair and Maggie Gyllenhaal eyes

Delicate lip pursing.

Scarf penis.

I guarantee that a pinup of myself would look like this. The granny bra, the drunk eyes, the mouth-breathing.

Garter fail.

Small batch cottage cheese is the new craft pickle.

Craft pickles are so 2011. Vegans can suck it, I'm all over small batch dairy products. Consider Traderspoint Creamery Cottage Cheese, out of Zionsville Indiana. It comes in a lovely little glass jar, which is great for all of you terrarium-trend junkies. An objectively beautiful cow smiles at you demurely from the jar lid. It's also apparently won some awards.

The cheese itself is fresh, and more tangy than most conventional brands. The curds are softer, yet firm. At $4.99 for 16 oz, it's not gonna be an everyday snack for me. Though I will arm-wrestle my husband for the dregs of the jar.

I like to drizzle a little white truffle oil on mine. How fucking first-world is that?

Where to find it.