We have reached the point of internet saturation. Posts need to be wittier, faster, funnier, NOW. I have little patience left for any posts that do not immediately hump my brain into a bliss tornado.
In my world, this is what will get you blocked, unfollowed, or unfriended, and what will get you favorited, liked, or +1'd. It's a short list. Exercise caution out there and stop wasting my precious time.
Post and get booted:
"Family Guy" catchphrases
Your 5th self-portrait this week
Non-cynical "50 Shades of Grey" tweets
Dark & blurry photos of your band sucking
Love notes to Ryan Gosling (hello, 2010)
Stories about that crazy thing your offspring said during Yo Gabba Gabba
Sarah Palin-related posts that do not include both a bikini and semi-automatic rifle
Retweets or "likes" purely for some unattractive child with cancer
Post and win my adoration:
Justin Bieber retweets
Any use of the phase "mustache ride"
Snub-nosed dogs in Star Wars/Disney Princess-themed costumes
Mugshots (Meth arrests only)
Photoshopped Game of Thrones gay porn featuring a masturbating Tyrion
Mormon jokes
Tabloid photos of drunk Olympians
Also, because I’ve recently learned that I medically have the stomach capacity of an adolescent polar bear, keep those pictures of your food COMING. Mmmmmm.
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