Dark Lord Day Survival: Drink the beer, avoid the feces.

Image via flickr


April 30 2011 marks the annual release of Three Floyds' coveted Russian imperial stout, Dark Lord. This shit is apparently so money (yeah, I said it) that an entire day is devoted to the celebration, complete with bands, bbq and craft-beer swapping. It will take place in a relatively small Northwest Indiana industrial park. Six thousand are anticipated.
6,000 fools + high alcohol content beer + 12 hours of drinking = Prepare for the crazy, kids.

This is not about enjoyment. I am a Dark Lord Day virgin. For me, this is about survival.


1.Dress for Chicagoland's unpredictable weather. And the vomit of strangers.

You're going to be outside all damn day. 12 fucking hours. Chicagoist recommends sunscreen, rain gear. I've got some dope rainboots on the way. Rainboots are key for keeping out the mud, spilled beer, and miscellaneous vomit/feces.

Also: I picked up a parasol. A PARASOL is key for rain/sun protection and maintaining your bourgeois image amongst the rabble. PARASOL. Get in on it. I've picked out this fancy pink daisy version.

I really wanted to wear my favorite romper but...the idea of getting completely nude in a humid porta-potty smeared with bodily fluids is something I've decided to avoid. I'm gonna go with layers. Comfy skirt, obligatory brewery t-shirt, hoodie. My parasol and eye makeup will bling that shit up. Parasol.


2. Avoid the come-ons of nerds.



Likely choads and their empties. Image via flickr










While I'm thrilled that the expected ratio of men to women at the festival will be approximately 500:1, I anticipate a large amount of The Uncouth Dork types. Think indie metal, with bad skin and man boobs. Picture your average World of Warcraft player stereotype. Remove game. Add craft beer. Done.
The drunker this species gets, the more confident and assertive they become.

I have three weapons at my disposal:
a). My ability to projectile vomit.
b). Pointy-ended parasol. (Did I mention this parasol and how you should get one?)
d). A tazer.
d). Unyielding cruelty.

Any of the above methods (or combination thereof) should send the creeps back to their loser peers.

3. Be prepped and ready for natural disasters.

I am a delicate flower and shudder in disgust to think about all of the e.coli, bronchitis, and syphilis floating through the air at the this festival.
You need:

a). Condoms. I would double bag that shit.
b). Industrial-sized hand sanitizer. There's no TSA to be afraid of here, bring assloads.
c). Rolls of toilet paper. Ladies, we don't want to be stuck without.
d). Wet naps. At some point, a peasant WILL drool on you.
e). Earplugs. Metal bands will play. The wall of sound will hit you and your
drunk ass will try to headbang. Then you will barf. Avoid it all and plug
your head up.


Let's do this! I'm ready to sample your amazing home brew, new friends! I'll be the blonde girl sprawled on the ground, stroking the asphalt. Lemme know if you need to borrow my tazer.