Framed as a ‘sustainability study,’ a recent NASA-funded project report reads more like a Walking Dead prequel. Although NASA is now distancing itself from the study, the findings have successfully rooted themselves deep in the brains of all literate paranoid-neurotics.
It boils down to this: If Western civilization doesn’t make drastic changes to its use of resources (read: by essentially instituting Communism), we’re royally fucked to the extent of total collapse in the next few decades. While one might appreciate a good scare-tactic as motivating tool, the researchers have significantly underestimated the apathy of the good Westernized people. We will be much more inclined to go out with a bang. And obviously, do our best to ignore the cognitively stressing steps that we could take to prevent our imminent demise. Too much workkkk.
Which leads us to this: The important next step of planning your Civilization-Is-Doomed Keg Party.
Tips for Throwing your End-of-Civilization Kegger
1. Buy some kegs. Depending on your social circle’s size and level of self-involvement, you could have a lot of mouths. Skip the Keystone Light and go for the good stuff - society is ending! (You may also want to take this opportunity to stock up on those giant bottles of water. Just saying.)
2. Get killer food. As civilization deteriorates, gaining access to quality, pure foodstuffs will look like a scene from Running Man. Also, other research shows us that fun foods like seafood, honey, and almonds will soon be nonexistent anyway so get while the getting is good. Let’s go with a menu like crab legs, organic butter. Pure cacao. Heirloom tomatoes with virgin olive oil and fresh herbs.
And don’t, for the love of god, compost any of your partyfood trash. Why bother now? Just dump it on my front lawn like those GODDAMN TEENAGERS WITH THEIR FLAMING HOT CHEETOS.
3. Invest in desirable party favors. Cigarettes (and any other tobacco products) are obviously going to be at a premium with our new-fangled Communist overlords. Your party guests will greatly appreciate a carton of Marlboros when they arrive at your shindig. Those Marlboros will trade on the street for a minor internal organ, like a spleen or gallbladder, in about 15 years. Throw in a couple of prescription painkiller pills and your guests will leave feeling like they got access to an Oscars grab bag.
4. Most of all: HAVE FUN! It’s likely the last time you will see the un-maimed faces of several of your closest friends. Embrace, dance to Pharrell, and go ahead and stay up til the sun comes out.
(The number of times we will get to see the sun rise is declining rapidly anyway.)
