Monday, December 23, 2013

A coward’s guide to suppressing seasonally-induced anxiety

The short days of winter darkness are back. Your job is making you suicidal and your dog has irritable bowel syndrome. Your parents have asked if they can stay an extra week on your futon during the holidays and crash your New Years Eve party. You’ve sprained your ankle and find yourself dragging Frankenstein-style through the snow. Approximately 90% of Americans* are experiencing a shitstorm of stressful and panic-inducing events this season. Your therapist will tell you to face your fears head on, to confront the beast. Avoidance will only reinforce your anxiety. I say screw that. Don’t be a hero. Reward your cowardice and hide out where your fragile brain is safe. Take a deep breath, and heed the below advice.
*Extremely non-scientific assessment.

Events and Activities to AVOID until April, at least:

1). Watching Walking Dead. You’ve got the undead, betrayal, beheadings, and mosquitos. And how the hell are Maggie and Glen not getting repeated urinary tract infections from their dirty prison sex? And why hasn’t Daryl Dixon been given more air time?? It is all SO STRESSFUL. Thank god for mid-season break. Watch reruns this summer instead, when you can better cope with the Appalachian-biter nightmares.

2). Having unprotected sex. In case you weren’t freaking out enough, go ahead and add a pregnancy or STD scare. I mean WHY NOT?

3). Taking public transportation at rush hour. Winter transit on the train is a smorgasbord for your panic disorder. Not only are you lumped together, but everyone is twice as large, doubling their Midwestern girth with North Face and cheap faux fur. You’ll be hallucinatory sweaty, because despite the fact that everyone is layered in fowl by-products, the train heat is set to 82 degrees. At best, you’ll get unintentionally dry-humped by an elderly Polish woman wearing dirty mittens. Just wait til after the rush. Working late: worth it.

4). Donating blood. I know, I’m a jerk. But don’t do it, because I know you. You will get nervous, you will watch the needle entering your frightened vein...and then you will faint. And I heard they don’t even give cookies to fainters. Double up your donations when your head is right again.

5). Meeting new people. Sorry...(and I know you know this) but you kind of suck right now. You’re a downer at parties, because you can only obsessively think about how you might pass out if you can’t flee to hide in a bathtub in the next 20 seconds. You’re no fun really anywhere, because all you want to do is stay home and eat smoked gouda and watch Bob’s Burgers where it’s safe. (On a good night. On a bad night you catch yourself wondering if any of your parents’ friends have a holdover bomb shelter could just “hangout in” for a couple months.) There will be time for social excitement, and that time is called July.

6). Sexting. It just doesn’t work right now. Sample:

Attractive person: Hey baby heeeey.
You: I am 95% sure I’m currently having a brain aneurysm. (pause.) ...I mean, what’s up?

The hotties of the world don’t need to hear your uncontrolled, irrational death fantasies. It’s a bit of a boner-killer, I hear.

7). Trying anything remotely new, whatsoever. Now is not the time to attempt those high-waisted jeans all the kids are wearing because WHAT IF THE CIRCULATION ACROSS YOUR INTESTINE GETS CUT OFF? Maybe also don’t have sushi at the new joint on the block because CLEARLY THEIR HEALTH CODE ADHERENCE COULD NOT YET HAVE BEEN PROPERLY VETTED.

Just go ahead and give up. Crawl into that dusty corner of your closet and hunker down. We’ll meet for sushi ‘bout June.

1 comment:

  1. This. Good. (All I can muster from my temporary bivouac of dread).