Hot bitches don’t make “resolutions.” Hot bitches SELF-COMMAND.
I will:
Eat more meals in the bathtub. A tub sandwich is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Plus the mayo drippings condition my skin. Hashtag #tubsandwich copyright Melanie LaForce 2014.
Avoid live music. It’s just the worst. I am always bored after 2 songs. If it’s a band that was completely formative to my life and I’m totally in love with, like Violent Femmes or the Beastie Boys, they might hold my attention for up to 20 minutes. If I’m also eating cheese fries.
Cultivate a sexier leisure wardrobe. My cut-off fleece snowman pants will no longer get me laid. I want sexy clothes that are French words like NEGLIGEE and POUTINE.
Increase portfolio of humiliative takedowns. Nothing boosts my self-esteem like being a bully. PWN more people. (Can I still pwn? Is pwning still something?) I will post countless inflammatory comments on YouTube, heckle sweating amateurs at open mics, and slowly chip away at my subordinates’ feelings of accomplishment. I will make barely audible passive-aggressive comments about the fashion choices of passersby. I WILL JUDGE YOU FOR READING NICHOLAS SPARKS ON THE TRAIN.
Figure out what this whole Macklemore thing is. Is it an edible Northern Pacific fish? A Transformer?
Create my own line of fortune cookie fortunes. Fortunes that don’t make me throw my cookie across the room. Life guidelines do not equal fortunes, dumbasses. My last fortune told me I had a beautiful smile. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I mean, accurate, sure, but functionally useless.
Stop reading internet bullshit. I will stop reading articles titled “How to be nice to your fat albino Eskimo friend” or “Why my abortion saved my dog’s life.” I will stop taking inane quizzes that identify which frozen vegetable/Pixar character/extinct Pleistocene hominid I am because they are grossly inaccurate and non-scientific. Dear Buzzfeed - I am NOT Mulan, I am Snow fucking White, you bastards.
Stop making lists. No. Can’t. Will never stop.
