Today's Judgmental Stereotypes: Girls in Hats!

Girls in Baseball Caps: De-virginized at 15 by a meathead wide receiver in the back of a mini-van. Enjoys SkinnyGirl cocktails. Has a Boxer but secretly wants a Yorkie.

Girls in Cowboy Hats: Says she likes Conway Twitty, thinks Conway Twitty is that slightly-bearded guy on "The Voice." Chokes down whiskey but vomits in the sink. Calls her apartment "the homestead."

Girls in Floppy Hats: Quotes Annie Hall. Successfully pulls off riding pants. Listens to Tracy Chapman and Adele. Carefully organizes a diet of 400 calories per day.

Girls in Hats with Animal Ears: Belongs to angry knitting mob. Cartilage piercing (left ear). Pretended to experiment with lesbianism at Lilith Fair.

Girls in Visors: Buys Luna bars in bulk at Costco. Ingests a minimum of 15 vitamins per day. Covers her frequently cold arms in one of several dozen long-sleeved 5K Run t-shirts.

Image via

What I would play on the jukebox while hanging out ironically at Chuck E Cheese with Rayanne from "My So-Called Life"

Listen to the playlist here.

5 Ideas for Animal TV Shows that Would Obviously Be Amazing

Top and Bottom A romantic comedy centered around two gay male Afghan Hounds, exploring their sexuality, fighting over wallpaper patterns, and trying to run a successful men’s salon in Chelsea.

Hamster Hotel Loosely based on Meerkat Manor (SHUT UP NOTHING IS ORIGINAL THESE DAYS), the show features 30 minutes of hamsters running up and down stairs to Benny Hill music. Every Wednesday at 8.

Private Dalmatian This is a female cop show about a purebred (or IS she?) Dalmatian with a night job as an exotic dancer. Her absentee father to be played by NFL wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson.

Semi-Aquatic Shield Features a painted domestic turtle with generalized anxiety disorder and subsequent sedative addiction, transplanted by a twist of fate to an espionage cover-up in D.C.

Cavy Summer Camp In a remote Vermont forest, a shy, adolescent guinea pig foregoes Dungeons & Dragons to attend summer camp for the first time. He expects basket-weaving, foraging, and meeting female guinea pigs in heat. When the dead begin to rise and the cavy squeals are heard throughout the night, summer camp becomes bummer camp.

Image via

State Mottos by Joe Jarvis

My friend Joe Jarvis makes awesome, funny cartoons. His take on state mottos: Spot on. (You may also enjoy his map of Chicago.)

Chicago Cocktail Names:The Neighborhood Edition.

(That guy from the Whistler who's now at that other place.)

Some obvious stereotypes for your weekend prep. Dear booze jockeys: Come up with a killer recipe, serve it up to me- and win a Duhmericana award! (read: A sloppy kiss and illegible hand-written certificate.)

Pilsen Cocktails
Live Poultry
Tulip Pants
Fire Hydrant Flood
Anti-Establishment Tattoo

Lincoln Park Cocktails
Fancy Cookie
Rooftop Sex
Sailboat Envy
Embellished Jeans

Logan Square Cocktails
Ironic Cowboy Hat
1980s Schwinn Cruiser
Poorly Drawn Graffiti
I-can-drink-more-Malort-than-you-can

Wrigleyville Cocktails
Bro Sauce
Bloody Cubs Jersey
Mediocre Pizza
Sports Shouting

Image via The Whistler PS. I also wrote about sexting over on Thought Catalog.

Fall Fashion Trends! (That I can’t pull off to save my life.)

(Jerks.)

Like many self-involved 30-somethings, I am an avid follower of fashion, design, and style. Simply, I heart pretty things. I follow New York Times Fashion on the twitters, and even subscribe to Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue, and other magazines that instill a desire to smoke cigarettes and wear fitted linen. There’s just one problem.

I exist in the body type of a congenitally deformed hobbit.

Meaning: Breast-heavy and slightly duck-footed. Occasional arthritic limp. Topping out at 4 foot 11 and half. As a result, I struggle with the multitude of “looks,” and thus must resort my staples of jeans and t-shirts with the appendages cut off. I’ll continue to glance wistfully at the lithe models in couture, as in reality- I overjoy with my second-hand finds of men’s flannel pants. Here is what I won’t be wearing this season:

1. Capes. I tried on a cape jacket at Nordstrom’s. A stranger asked me if I needed a meal.

2. Equestrian wear (e.g. jodphurs and riding boots). The look on me is “Uptown Pre-School Elite.”

3. Boxy knit tops. With any cropped top, I generally resemble an apple in a sandwich bag.

4. Vests. Think the annoying middle daughter in “Full House.”

5. Orange lipstick. I tried this the last time it came around and looked like I had a bad case of MRSA.

Feel free to pass along any other trends I will not be able to wear. Shrug. I like to look anyway.

Image via Dappled Grey

To all the boys I ever threw crazy at: I'm sorry.

I’m sorry I was passive-aggressive at your grandmother’s funeral.

I shouldn’t have told my friends about your psoriasis in such great detail.

I’m sorry that I freaked out and assumed that you are now into banging older chicks after I saw you having lunch with who I later learned was your mother.

I should have never pretended to love Rush. (....Rush sucks.)

I’m sorry I tweeted about your penis size.

I realize now that you probably didn’t need that Break-Up Songs mix CD I made you.

Remember when I told you I had a nightmare that you died at Pitchfork? A lie. I just wanted an excuse to text you.

I’m sorry that when I met your new girlfriend, I told her that she has a front butt.

I’m sorry that your new girlfriend has a front butt.


Image via Almost Genius. And hey, did you see that I wrote about "Moist" over at Slacktory?